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By Marvin M.W
Growing older is not always simply about counting birthdays. Sometimes, each new year forces us to confront the versions of ourselves we have carried from childhood.
In On My Way to 30, Marvin M.W reflects on turning 27 while looking ahead to the person he hopes to become by 30. He revisits fear, loneliness, childhood wounds and the pressure of becoming the “good” child everyone admired. However, beneath that outward calm was a person struggling silently.
Now, the journey is changing. With faith, hope and a determination to rebuild himself, the poet enters his 27th year not as someone who has completely healed, but as someone finally ready to reclaim what was lost.
Oh God! Look at me now.
Once young, naive and timid.
Year in, year out, yet I remained the same.
I still carry the fear of a little boy’s heart
and walk through life’s most pressing moments,
emotionally distant from all that seems at arm’s reach.
Reflecting on one single truth:
that life has been a rough sail,
with strong winds and storms that wreck my ship
as the sea pours out my soul onto the shores,
placing me on a virgin island each year,
unwrapping another chapter of adventures
I am never ready to explore.
Helpless, anxious and afraid
of the new that awaits.
I meander through the path of life,
trying to learn, unlearn and experience
these rough edges again and again,
with harsh trails and traces
of a childhood that never left me.
Full of memories and memories.
Bittersweet.
Sad.
Unhappy.
Devoid of joy.
Taking me back into the depths
of the graves I buried
in tears, shame, pain, rejection, resentment,
disappointment and self-belittlement.
I turned to prayer
as my solace and comfort,
in my escape from the unfathomable snares
that hid me in the darkness,
where I chose to become the “good” child:
quiet,
calm
and collected.
Praised for my softness and humility.
But they didn’t know
the doors I locked myself in,
the silent walls that held my soul
through the hours
as I made sounds that screamed for help
in these cages that never opened.
They didn’t know
how estranged I became from myself.
They only watched
the version of me that I played,
fooling myself
for their applause.
They didn’t know
how much I slowly ran on empty,
carrying a dry soul
with wild thoughts,
scarred,
scared
and confused.
But it was all worth the while,
for it led me here
to my own salvation,
right at the unraveling
of my transformation.
Behold the fixation
of what remains of my journey,
my life
and my story.
With hope,
a humble prayer
and a bolder step.
Trusting that every wall around me
will crumble,
shattering every prison
that once held me captive,
moulding finer pieces
from every imperfection,
reigniting every flame
that burned out,
refining every precious gemstone,
rebuilding my soul
from scratch,
restoring my faith
in every trial,
reclaiming my peace
and sanity,
and finding my voice
in the whispers.
This is the season
to find all that was lost within me.
I’m waking up to a new dawn
and a future I’ve forever longed to hold,
hoping that the mystery of 27
shall be abundantly gracious,
rich and full
of life’s best blessings,
and much more to see,
to touch,
to hold,
to feel,
to listen
and to witness.
A piece of me
to love, cherish, own and embrace.
And when I finally arrive at 30,
I will lift my hands
in praise unto the Lord,
and sing and dance
to Coconut Rootz’s
“LET ME ENJOY.”
Here’s to a happy 27th birthday to me
and to a gentle sail to my 30th.
Cheers to this new beginning.
— Marvin M.W
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